It's not gangrenous if you were born that way.

Funniest chief complaint yesterday...

"Penis is black"

The child was African American. Grandma was worried.

Waste not?

Well, I guess it's a rather utilitarian way to go about it...

Most China transplants from prisoners: state media

Partial credit for participation...?

A while back...

ME: OK, she weighs 60 pounds
CHILD'S MOTHER: Is that normal?
ME: Let me plot it on the growth chart real quick
CHILD'S MOTHER: You know, because I don't want her to become obeast.
ME: I'm sorry?
CHILD'S MOTHER: I don't want her to become obeast and have health problems.
ME: Oh, I see. Well it looks like she's a pretty normal weight.
CHILD'S MOTHER: Well thank goodness for that.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow...

Wow, I have forgotten about my blog. Sorry.

Tomorrow is the first day back to class. I'm starting the lovefest that is maternity this semester. I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited, but I now know for sure that I'll have material to scare my little sister for years. She's afraid of female genitalia.

I guess it's better than my very first semester of nursing school. I remember my orientation very well. It was excruciating. I don't know if they do this in other majors, but they really like to give speeches about professionalism in nursing.

"When you're in nursing, you're not just a nurse. You're a professional. This means you are to act as a professional. Why, when I was in nursing school and we had to wear white dresses and caps, no imperfection was tolerated. In fact, I cried every day on my way to school. I peed my pants in clinical on a regular basis. Luckily, this gave me practice in dealing with incontinent adults! You will all exude professionalism OR ELSE."

It is quite tiresome. Top Chef is a lot like nursing: Everyone takes him or herself very, very seriously.

Apple cider vinegar

Today wasn't very exciting. I pale in comparison to the other exciting blogs. Working in primary care over the summer has its rewards, though. I feel like I'm part of the solution (prevention).

I guess I could tell a story about my experience as a student so far.

I did my rotation at a level II trauma center in the heart of the downtown area in which I live. I got to see a lot of cool post op trauma patients -- and a lot of homeless patients. It's the charity hospital, so they admitted pretty much everyone.

I was preparing for clinical the night before. We got to pick our patients, so I picked a guy with a gambit of medical problems, was a little bit crazy, and, you guessed it, homeless. He was nice enough when I talked to him, so I decided he would be a good candidate for the teaching project I had to implement that day.

I picked hypertension as my educational topic (it pretty much was the root cause of all his problems). I prepared a presentation, made a brochure for him, and told him I would be teaching him about hypertension the next day. My instructor came in to watch my do my teaching project.

ME: Mr. Jones, I'm here to talk to you about high blood pressure like we discussed yesterday. Is now a good time?
MR JONES: You mean I'm here to talk to YOU about high blood pressure, right?
ME: (laughs) Sure, I guess you can look at it that way. I was going to start by telling you a little about what causes high blood pressure.
MR JONES: (staring intently at the television) I already know that.
ME: Well, then consider it review. What causes high blood pressure is a mixture of family inheritance, sedentary lifestyle, and obesity. Part of what makes high blood pressure so hard to treat is--
MR JONES: I know what high blood pressure is! And I know how to cure it. I take apple cider vinegar. One time my blood pressure went up so high I took the vinegar and I passed out. I never let my blood pressure get up that high again. I take my medication for it every day. The lady at the jail took my medication away from me.
INSTRUCTOR: (confused look)
ME: Would you like to talk about your medications?
MR JONES: I know about my pills. I don't need to talk about my pills.
ME: Well, as motivation to take your pills I'm going to tell you a few things that happen when high blood pressure is uncontrolled.
MR JONES: I already KNOW. You pass out. That's why I take apple cider vinegar.
ME: Some other things that can happen is stroke, heart attack, and kidney failure.
MR JONES: Girl, you are tellin' me what's UP. You don't let a guy just sit around thinkin' he's OK until one day he has a stroke and BAM he's dead. You tell a guy what's up. You know what's up.
INSTRUCTOR: (wtf? look)
ME: Yes, that's why I'm here, to tell you what can happen if you aren't able to control high blood pressure. Here's a brochure I wrote up for you.
MR JONES: (looking at it in awe) YOU wrote this for ME?
ME: Yes, I did.
MR JONES: Wow, this is the SHIT. (Starts reading it aloud).
ME: Well, I'm glad you like it.

Weirdest shit ever. Oh well, he gave my professor a rave review even though he didn't seem to like me at all. He had his foot hanging out of the bed (had an ulcer on it) and I ran into it a few times. When I suggested we put the foot back into the bed, he flipped out.

Why do I always get the psych/medical patients?

Lazy summer

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted.

Well, I survived my second semester of nursing school. Now for the summer I get to endure three days a week up at the clinic.

I'm taking a class this summer called Complex Issues in Children. Most Depressing Shit Ever is a more apt title. We have to debate about whether parents' spiritual beliefs should have any bearing on medical decision making for their children (absolutely not, in my opinion), what should be in the curriculum for sex ed (everything), and dying babies in the NICU. Very uplifting. Oh well, I'm about halfway through so I guess it can't be all bad.

I wish I had something more exciting for you, but I guess that's reserved for HawthoRNe (You can't arrest ME, I'm a NURSE!! AHHHHH!!!!)

OK, so now there will be 9 morons instead of just 5.

I work at a pediatrician's office. It's fun most of the time, but all too often I feel like I need to scratch my eyes out or beat my head against the wall just for some clarity. Take yesterday for example.

Lady walks in with her 14-year-old daughter. Daughter just had a baby. "I don't know how it happened, but all of my daughters are pregnant at once!" Now, don't be fooled. That exclaimation mark wasn't in anger or disappointment. It was in delight, people. DELIGHT. Her four daughters range in age from 14 to 19 years old.

My co-worker was in the exam room taking a history. She got to the family diseases part and said "Are there any illnesses or diseases on either side of the family? That means your side and the father's side." The girl goes, "Oh, I'm not sure about the father. It could be two or three guys, I'm not really sure." The Mom chuckles and makes the comment "Oh, boy. I guess it's just going to be really tough to get a history!"

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

That abstinence only sex education is really working out for this state. I am here to prove it.