It's not gangrenous if you were born that way.

Funniest chief complaint yesterday...

"Penis is black"

The child was African American. Grandma was worried.

Partial credit for participation...?

A while back...

ME: OK, she weighs 60 pounds
CHILD'S MOTHER: Is that normal?
ME: Let me plot it on the growth chart real quick
CHILD'S MOTHER: You know, because I don't want her to become obeast.
ME: I'm sorry?
CHILD'S MOTHER: I don't want her to become obeast and have health problems.
ME: Oh, I see. Well it looks like she's a pretty normal weight.
CHILD'S MOTHER: Well thank goodness for that.

OK, so now there will be 9 morons instead of just 5.

I work at a pediatrician's office. It's fun most of the time, but all too often I feel like I need to scratch my eyes out or beat my head against the wall just for some clarity. Take yesterday for example.

Lady walks in with her 14-year-old daughter. Daughter just had a baby. "I don't know how it happened, but all of my daughters are pregnant at once!" Now, don't be fooled. That exclaimation mark wasn't in anger or disappointment. It was in delight, people. DELIGHT. Her four daughters range in age from 14 to 19 years old.

My co-worker was in the exam room taking a history. She got to the family diseases part and said "Are there any illnesses or diseases on either side of the family? That means your side and the father's side." The girl goes, "Oh, I'm not sure about the father. It could be two or three guys, I'm not really sure." The Mom chuckles and makes the comment "Oh, boy. I guess it's just going to be really tough to get a history!"

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

That abstinence only sex education is really working out for this state. I am here to prove it.